There are reasons my sister doesn't let me babysit her kids.

I've been watching the reality show Teach, starring Tony Danza going back to Philly to teach 10th grade English in Philadelphia. I'm snacking on some delicious, delicious fresh pineapple and am quite content when oh dear gods in heaven foul beast is attacking mouth??! It's the demon pineapple juice, on a rogue mission to destroy my tongue, dropping land mines and firebombing the whole damn lot of it. OW! SWEET CHEESY JESUS OW!

So I did what any reasonable person would do. I finished the pineapple - it was really good pineapple - and then sat. Waiting for feeling that my lips would stop feeling like citric acid was slowly eroding them. The waiting did not so much work.

So I thought, "I know! I need something bland! Something that will absorb the pineapple juice. I dashed to the kitchen, yanked open the cupboard door and saw the blandest thing of all: saltine crackers. And thusly came my mortal error. Because the important word in "saltine crackers" is SALT. Which is fun to put into wounds. So the crackers also did not work. Who saw that one coming? Apparently not me.

But then I saw an ice pack on the kitchen counter and thought, "If only that could fit in mouth and I could numb the darn thing." That revelation led me to the idea of ice cream, which has worked quite well.