Blogging the Michael Jackson Memorial

I came into the memorial a half-hour late...

10:35 Screams and claps in the audience: Michael Jackson has made his entrance. In a coffin. Without his brain.

10:45 Mariah Carey sings "I'll Be There" and the audience is clearly confused. They're mostly quiet but then every once in a while someone screams, like they would at a normal concert. The audience internal monologue: "I'm at a memorial; must be solemn. But it's Mariah Carey! I love Mariah Carey!!! Wooooh! No, no, have to be quiet. Hush. Very solemn. (I'll just snap a quick picture, then.) But it's Mariah Carey! Weeee! Crap, no, musn't shout. Must be still and respectful-like. "

10:52 Lionel Ritchie. The screen behind him shows, inexplicably, Darth Vader's starship. (You know, after he escapes the exploding Death Star in episode IV. God, I need a hobby.)

10:55 Oh, god. All of his brothers are dressed exactly the same. That's disturbing on so many levels.

11:01 Barry Gordy, "His life was beautiful." Really? It was "beautiful"? Which is why he underwent so many surgical procedures his nose collapsed? Being so germaphobic he refused to be in public without a mask is "beautiful"? Being hounded by reporters is "beautiful"? Very likely molesting children is "beautiful"? Being the subject of very public trials is "beautiful"? I know it's a memorial and so we're supposed to overlook the VERY BIG flaws in his life, but c'mon, let's not jump into the realm of complete fantasy. The man finally has some peace after a miserable existence.

11:07 Audience internal monologue: Holy crap! It's Stevie Wonder!! Who cares if it's a memorial - I'm screaming! Whoooo!!! Stevie!!! We love you!!! Look up here, Stevie! Oh, shit. Sorry, Stevie!! Didn't mean it like that! We love you! Whoo!!!

11:22 Jennifer Hudson now, looking radiant in white. She's got some funky back-up dancer action going on, though. I can't tell if they're remedial sign language students - oh wait, now they're walking in a circle - ooh, wait, now it's Michael Jackson reading some sort of odd wedding vow. And now it's all done.

11:28 Rev. Al Sharpton. He's the second person to use Japan, France, and Ghana as examples of countries where Michael Jackson was popular. Like, those are their specific examples. Japan and France, I get, but Ghana?

11:30 Uh, Reverend? He said, "And to Michael Jackson's three kids, I want you to know, there wasn't nothin' strange about your daddy, it was strange that he had to deal with it." Um, no. There was definitely, definitely sumpthin' strange about their daddy.

11:33 There's a longer pause than usual between Sharpton and the next singer and there are intermittent shouts of "We love you, Michael!" For a bit they were chanting, "Michael! Michael!" It reminded me of clapping for Tinkerbell.

(Oh that's mean, isn't it?)

11:36 It's John Mayer! And he looks like Webster! Bloody hell that's weird!

11:37 Oops, I mean Alex. Web goes by "Alex" now.

11:46 Okay, Brooke Shields almost made me cry.

11:54 It's the son and daughter of Martin Luther King. She seems a little angry, or at least upset, at being there. (pause) Oh yeah, she's not happy.

11:58 WHAT?!! "He was indeed a shining light, like our father was." WHAT??! No, no, no, no, no. Michael opened doors tremendously for African-Americans and other minorities, but Dr. King??? Abusing children cancels out the "shining" and the "light" bits. Dear god. Can we please, please, please keep some sort of perspective here and remember that he was a

12:09 Oh god, Usher is singing to the casket. He has walked off the stage, down to the casket, and is - repeat - singing to it. I would be creeped out more if my flesh weren't crawling because of how he ended the song: He pretended to be overcome with emotion, recovered just in time to sing the last note perfectly, then rakishly ripped his sunglasses off and stared directly into the camera. Usher, it's a memorial, not Saturday Night Live.

12:21 Bloody hell! It's a prepubescent British boy!

12:25 Holy shit! There's a lizard man on stage!

12:26 And he's singing "We Are The World". Yes. He's the Missing Link to our world.

12:30 As the big finale they've brought a bunch of kids up on stage, and the kids do not care. One looks completely bored and another is nonchalantly chewing gum while mumbling every other word.

12:38 Woops, the service is still going on.

12:40 Holy crap! It's his daughter! Without a burka!

12:47 Memorial service definitely over now. Time for media dissection and analysis. (People keep calling it a "show". And "it was a great, great show". Weird.)

It's wrong and ungodly. I blame Paris Hilton entirely.

Yesterday it was news of strange, alien-like blobs of flesh inhabiting South Carolina's sewers. Today it's fish with human teeth. Would someone please tell me when life become a BAD '50s HORROR FLICK?! 'Cause it's starting to get a little disturbing and if we are about to turn into a drive-in movie, then I need to get to work on my character.

I'm not the Bad Girl, so I should make it through the first few reels. But, as all students of Godzilla should know, to really survive you have to be the plucky daughter/granddaughter/platonic-assistant of the elderly/young-but-too-handsome-to-be-straight scientist who's working to stop the monster/alien/giant-flaming-hell-bunnies. Luckily, I know just the scientist to apprentice myself to: Wendy. (Down with archaic gender roles! And fleshy pulsating blobs!) All I have to do now is start perfecting my scream and the ability to run away in high heels. Mostly, though, my aim, 'cause, look, I can barely walk in high heels, so there's gonna be a whole lotta shooting. And swearing. Lots of swearing. I'll need some sort of signature phrase, like "Don't piss off an unemployed an English major", or "A woman scorned, mother ucka!", or "Should've said 'please'".

Needless to say, there's some work ahead! But I think if we all pull together and see this as a time of national - nay, human-tional - unity, then together we can forget this Al Qaeda nonsense and fight the real enemy: alien blobs in our pipes and fish with $#%*! human teeth.

Morally Ambiguous Comedy

I can't decide if this is tasteless or brilliant.





Funny as all hell, but a little uncomfortable once you realize that you're agreeing with Hitler.

Books, glorious books!

I don't need a house. I don't need a career. I just need to live in one of these libraries.

It makes sense once you see it

A very cute blog about the adventures of a milk toof. You have to see it.

This one's for Ricky

If Nintendo made Halo 3. . . I'd still get my ass kicked.

Brief Update

I haven't posted in a long while. There's much to say. For now, a summary:

I'm driving now!

My hair has been chopped off and I'm back to the way God and nature intended me to be: Gloriously short haired.

I'll be taking a summer class.

My migraines are 70% better. 'Tis brilliant.

My father is insane.

I'll get caught up on all of this eventually. Just not in the next couple days 'cause I'm housesitting and there are computer issues. Love you!

From failblog.org

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Bitch Slap

Do you know the site Postcards From Yo Momma? It features amusing emails and phone conversations from moms. This one is brilliant:

Backstory: My roommate doesn’t care for me and does nothing to hide it.

This girl sound like she should be the “Passive Aggressive poster girl.” Anger issues? She’s out of control so she wants to control you? The less you seem to let it bother you, the more angry she gets? Try a good old-fashioned “bitch slap” Only kidding…I just love to say it…bitch slap…bitch slap…bitch slap

Swine Flu